HomeArticleEquality Triumphs! Women Now Lead World In Clubbing Baby Seals

Equality Triumphs! Women Now Lead World In Clubbing Baby Seals

Today’s Caitlin Johnstone article has been replaced with a breaking news story by the National News Conglomerate. NNC: Obey.

Move over, fellas! The seal fur industry has a new set of industrious cutting-edge leaders, and baby, they wear heels to the office.

In what is being hailed as yet another major advancement for gender equality following women’s recent rise to the top of both the military-industrial complex and the CIA, new data indicates that for the first time in history women comprise the majority of seal fur employees paid to bash baby seals in the head with clubs to sell their hides, and four out of the top five CEOs in the industry are female.

“We’re not riding in the passenger seat anymore, sisters!” exclaimed Adrianna VanHoven at a recent conference where she was named Chief Executive Officer of leading seal fur exporter KlitchCo Furs, adding, “I am thrilled to be part of an exciting movement towards true gender equality where anyone, whether they identify as male, female or non-binary, can pick up a club and bash an infant seal right in the fucking face for money.”

“Yaaaaass queen!” tweeted Senator Elizabeth Warren in response to VanHoven’s speech, with a picture of herself holding an unopened bottle of beer to her lips.

“We’re seeing an environment where women are able to rise to the top in any field, so long as they’re just as willing to export weapons, stage coups, and club as many baby seals in the head as their male counterparts,” said Karen Plum, professor of gender studies at UC Berkeley. “As the public becomes comfortable with the fact that women are just as capable of ending life for profit as men are, we’re seeing a corresponding rapid emergence of a new paradigm in which gender inequality is becoming a thing of the past. Women are learning that as long as they’re willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead, and if they’re able to shut off that weak, worthless part of themselves which feels and empathizes, they are not limited by their gender in the things they are capable of achieving.”

The dominance of women in the seal fur industry has not been without its critics, however. Nancy Applebaum of Trenton, New Jersey recently posted a video on Facebook which has since gone viral questioning whether the rise of women to the top of violent and destructive careers is anything to cheer about.

“I just kind of think a lot of these jobs don’t actually help anyone or accomplish anything useful,” Applebaum told NNC. “It seems like all this equality talk is just to help people feel good about continuing to do absolutely horrible things. What good is killing a baby seal for its fur? What good is dominating the military-industrial complex? What good is leading the CIA? Is that really what we want feminism to be about? The equal right to make billionaires richer at the expense of terrestrial life? Women taking over jobs that were created by men out of the very worst male impulses? Shouldn’t feminism be about changing the system which values such violent and sociopathic career paths?”

“Well actually, the system is basically fine the way it is,” interjected Applebaum’s husband Will. “The economy is growing, women are getting more money, and everyone’s doing great. Feminism is actually about maintaining that perfect system while teaching women how to thrive in it. Now come to bed.”

“Yes dear,” Applebaum replied.


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Latest comments

  • I completely understand your Irony and Sarcasm.
    Though I do wish, you would watch the movie: “Angry Inuk” – this might give you a new take on the whole issue of Seal-hunting. And it might be an interesting subject to write about…

  • “I am thrilled to be part of an exciting movement towards true gender equality where anyone, whether they identify as male, female or non-binary, can pick up a club and bash an infant seal right in the fucking face for money.”

    just spit out my milkshake laughing

  • As I pointed out yesterday on Medium women are just as likely or mostly so to be sociopaths as men. Whether as CEO’s of competitive corporations or bashing baby non-humans for their skins they seem quite capable. The difference I see are that CEO’s of destructive industries doesn’t disturb me quite as much as bashing babies. Or maybe I’m just sensitive in that mentality and they amount to the same dysfunction of empathetic systems, of which there aren’t any.

    • The feminist movement is no longer engaged in molding a new world but in possessing and preserving the present and has became and enterprise.

  • Years ago I asked a coworker why he thought that so many women were beginning to walk like men.

    Without hesitation he said “It’s the strap-on.”

    Equality Triumphs!!!

  • Woman you are hands down the best writer I have encountered in a long, long time. You must be staying relatively low profile on purpose because if the secret got out you would be on every page and every website that speaks the truth. This article is astounding. What better way to get humans to read and think than to add in some wry humor. It seems as though ZH, although it has gone downhill allot in the last few years would welcome you as a contributing writer. Just a thought. At any rate you have this half redneck half environmentalist woman on your side. I got your back Caitlin.

  • “Yaaaaass queen!” tweeted Senator Elizabeth Warren in response to VanHoven’s speech, with a picture of herself holding an unopened bottle of beer to her lips.”
    Was that designed to bet the support of women voters, or the revulsion of animal lovers everywhere.
    You might call me a humanist, in that I’ve long been a feminist and supporter of across-the-board equality in race, gender, ethnicity and anything else you can think of. That stance also gives me the latitude to criticize individuals – both male and female. The women who would enter such employment and the females at the very top are representative of the sharks of humanity.

    • What about height. I am only 5′ 9″ but I expect to be treated no differently than either Shaqille O’Neil or Warwick Davis. Unfortunately most people in this world are not as open minded as Mr Nydick and neither the NBA or casting directors of box office fantasies have expressed any interest. I can forgive the NBA, as my ball skills are not great, but not Hollywood. Nowadays they could just make me look little with CGI or I could just kneel and tape my shoes to my knees if the budget didn’t have the scope.

  • “male impulses?” Nature v. nurture, waddayathink?

  • Normally your posts are awesome. But this one is also Hilarious! I’m a big fan!!

  • The article is very pithy and eloquent as usual, and I agree with ninety-five percent of its content, so I need not dwell on that. I will, nevertheless, point out that the line about ‘jobs created by men out of the very worst male impulses’ is unfair. While killing is easier for the physically stronger gender, harming other living beings to obtain an advantage is not an exclusively or quintessentially male ‘impulse’ or practice and never has been, it’s a human practice. Men are not naturally demons, women are not naturally angels, and implying the opposite simply isn’t helpful to anybody.

    • FF, “Men are not naturally demons, women are not naturally angels…”

      Blasphemer!!! You have deviated from the teachings of the Cult of Equality. You must be burned at the stake before you go deeper in your heretical thoughts. Why you might go so far as to believe that straight White men are not naturally demons while POC and womyn are not naturally angels. Sinner!!!

  • What are you on about here, Caitlin? Most of your rants are not so senseless.

  • Ha! Love you, Cait.

  • Welcome to the club!

  • Jonathan Swift would be proud! Once again, you have outdone yourself.

  • Michelle Obomber earned owning sealboot$. Free Assange BDS

  • Why would anyone believe if a man hands a woman his binder she would do things any differently? Anyone who thinks by changing out a queen for a king on the chessboard of life that things would radically/suddenly change? AOC said she wouldn’t take her paycheck if the government shut down happened…wanna bet how quickly she’ll dance those govt $$ to the bank? This is about domination, makes no matter where you are on the gender spectrum.

  • Well I hope it is satire. This is appalling. Getting ahead to abandon part of yourself. Women have always worked in the meat and seafood industry so perhaps fur seal clubbing is a way to get better paid but to crow about it and the trauma to ones self seems bizarre to me. Men and women both have to do unpleasant things for an income.

  • Hahaha! Good one, Caitlin. And even though I do respect Elizabeth Warren on many issues, I had to laugh at your depiction of her fake-drinking a beer!

  • The reality is so nightmarish that this is really not satire!

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