Former Vice President Joe Biden has released a video statement telling the American people that the accusations he is now facing of touching women in inappropriate ways without their consent is the product of changing “social norms”, assuring everyone that he will indeed be adjusting to those changes.

And thank goodness. For a minute there, I was worried Biden might cave under the pressure of a looming scandal and decline to run for president on the grounds that it could cripple his campaign and leave America facing another four years of Donald Trump. Here are nine good reasons why I hope Joe Biden runs for president, and why you should support him too:

1. It’s his turn.

It’s Biden’s turn to be president. He’s spent years playing second fiddle while other leading Democrats hogged all the limelight, and that’s not fair. He’s been waiting very patiently. Come on.

2. Most Qualified Candidate Ever.

If Joe Biden secures the Democratic Party nomination for president, he would be the Most Qualified Candidate Ever to run for office. His service as a US Senator and a Vice President has given him unparalleled experience priming him for the most powerful elected office in the world. Everything Biden has done throughout his entire career proves that he’d make a great Commander-in-Chief.

3. He’s closely associated with a popular Democratic president.

You think Biden, you think Obama. You think Obama, you think greatness. You can’t spend that much time with a great Democratic president without absorbing his greatness yourself. It’s called osmosis.

4. You liked Obama, didn’t you?

Biden was part of the Obama administration. Remember the Obama administration? It was magical, right? If you want more of that, vote Biden.

5. But Trump!

Do you want Trump to win the next election? You know he’ll shatter all our norms and literally end the world if he does, right? You should be terrified of the possibility of Trump winning in 2020, and if you are, you should want him running against Joe Biden. What’s the alternative? Nominating some crazy unelectable socialist like Bernie Sanders? Might as well just hand Trump the victory now, then. Anyone who wants to beat Trump must fall in line behind the Most Qualified Candidate Ever.

6. Iraq wasn’t so bad.

Okay, maybe some of his past foreign policy positions look bad in hindsight, but come on. Pushing for the Iraq war was what everyone was doing back in those days. It was all the rage. We all made it through, right? I mean, most of us?

7. This is happening whether you like it or not.

We’re doing this. We’re going to push Joe Biden through whether you like it or not, and we can do it the easy way or the hard way. Just relax, take deep breaths, and think about a nice place far away from here. Don’t struggle. This will be over before you know it. We’ll use plenty of lube.

8. Just vote for him.

Just vote for him, you insolent little shits. Who the fuck do you think you are, anyway? You think you’re entitled to a bunch of ponies and unicorns like healthcare and drinkable water? You only think that because you’re a bunch of racist, sexist homophobes. You will vote for who we tell you to or we’ll spend the next four years calling you all Russian agents and screaming about Susan Sarandon.

9. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Honestly, what could possibly go wrong? It’s not like the Most Qualified Candidate Ever could manage to lose an election to some oafish reality TV star. Hell, Biden could beat Trump in his sleep. He could even skip campaigning in Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania and still win by a landslide, because those states are in the bag. There’s no way he could fail, barring some unprecedented and completely unforeseeable freak occurrences from way out of left field that nobody could possibly have anticipated.


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58 responses to “Nine Reasons Why You Should Support Joe Biden For President”

  1. He gives great shoulder massages and appreciates my choice of shampoo.

  2. I cannot tell you, Caitlin, how much I appreciate humor in dealing with the absurdist world we humans have created! What’s interesting here in the U.S. is the passing glance given to the Anita Hill hearings in which Biden behaved like the total asshole he is. The senatorial egregiousness was so bad that the ABC satire show Dinosaurs — anyone else remember when American television actually had a bit of content? — did a super takeoff. But since the media has the attention span of a two-year-old and the memory of a stump, it has been effectively swept under the rug. Oh, all my apologies to any stumps I have offended. They’re undoubtedly more sensitive and aware than Joe Biden.

  3. Why is Biden screaming at a woman whose claim to fame is that she drove a car over cliff? Isn’t that what the DNC wants to do to the US?

    I have two children by my first marriage. That means I must have touched a woman inappropriately at least twice; in vitro fertilization was not available to me in the 1980s.

    Biden has been biden his time for so long, he deserves at chance at the Presidential bidet. Not only has he been fiddling a long time, but he didn’t even coerce Monica to help (I think).

    You are so right that re-electing Trump would destroy the world as we know it. I want (to continue its onward course) a world where the sexually confused decide welfare, where graft and corruption can be hidden so long as it is proposed by the liberals, in which the western world throws out enough waste food each year to feed about three billion people, where ecologists think that the immediate death of about six billion people (from starvation, unless we give them free access to our garbage) will stop carbon dioxide emissions.

    Most of all, though, I want to have the military wipe all all those polar bears who have illegally invaded Siberia and North America because of the cold, and thereby made an even bigger fool of Al Gore. At the same time, those military can repeatedly relieve themselves in the oceans, so the sea levels (and global temperature) will rise enough to fulfill Gore’s other predictions.

    I support you, Caitlin. None of us deserve a future if we don’t bide our time with Biden. Join me with the rest of the unwashed Downunder, where we can sit on the beach and drink a last beer as we wait for the last sunset (or sit in a sportscar in a garage, running the engine on gasoline we should have run out of, and enjoy an emission ending.

  4. 11. And there is Ukraine! Uncle Joe is helping our wards in Ukraine to make something of themselves.

    1. Think that was Creepy Joe’s Capitalist son Hunter.

      Joe does deserve credit, as he often notes, for writing the December 2014 Crime bill, which effectively doubled the incarceration rate in the US. And he wrote the Patriot Act in 1995, as he proudly boasts, although only passed after 9/11 under Bush/ Cheney. Few Americans have had the impact of Joe Biden.

      1. Yeah, but there’s now some question whether Creepy Joe got that Ukrainian prosecutor fired when he was leading a big investigation into Burisma Holdings, where Capitalist Hunter is on the Board, But hey, what do you have against Capitalist Hunter? You some kind of Socialist or something? Go live in Cuba and see how you like it there.

        And you got some problem with how Capitalist Hunter hopped a ride on Air Force Two with Creepy Joe so they could go to China together so Capitalist Hunter could cut a billion dollar deal with the Bank of China while Creepy Joe met with President Xi Jinping? I mean, how else could Capitalist Hunter have gotten to China? You don’t expect a busy young gentleman like Capitalist Hunter to get there on a slow boa
        t, do you? And besides, Capitalist Hunter had a real big job to do in international diplomacy — improve world peace and the rule of law by giving them Chicoms a good show of how Capitalism REALLY works.

  5. Joe Salimando Avatar
    Joe Salimando

    I went — once — to a meeting of the Democratic committee in a given county. Years and years ago. There is no need to be specific, I don’t think — it was in a liberal place, a wealthy county. What got me off my ass? The county had just sent a Republican to Congress, after years and years of Democratic representation.

    At least one other person at the meeting — a guy I did not know — was “younger” (not young, but younger than the people in the room). He advocated for changing the way things were being done, as I did.

    I sat thru the entire meeting. Me and this other person, uncoordinated, advocated for changes to what was being done — for things that could be smarter, more effective. Note that neither of us was eyeballing the candidate chosen. We are talking about doing effective things.

    In essence: If what you are doing is not working, for Chrissake — do something else!

    After that meeting, and some follow-up, i came to a realization: The three people who ran this county committee were frightened by me and this other guy. Sure, they wanted to win — at long as they could do it the way they always did it, as long as they maintained power, and as long as the Dems there did not try any crazy new ideas . . . which might call into question everything these people had been doing. Forever!

    I believe that’s where the national Dems are with the national leaders, the committee members, the superdels, and the various companies making a fortune off candidates. I believe it’s why they are trying to ban un-approved campaign consultants.

    Winning is what they want. As long as they can win “their way.” As long as the victory leaves them in power.

    If you think about it, it’s why AOC and the other younger female Congressmembers drive them up a wall. It’s not that they are women. It’s not that they are young. It’s that they won’t shut up when told to do so!!!

    Yes, this is the Democratic Party I’m talking about. Can you imagine what it’s like in the other party??? Actually, you can. Paul Ryan said something recently (out loud, into a microphone) about having told AOC the way things were, offering her advice — and that she listened to none of it. Can you imagine uttering such words out loud, were you a Republican Top Banana?

    IN PERFECT HINDSIGHT: None of this should be surprising. Most humans are, in fact, VERY human. They don’t want to relinquish the positions they’ve achieved. To the people in that room, me and this other guy were strangers. Were we reliable? Even if we had good ideas, would we put in the time, as they had, showing up at meeting after meeting?

    By sheer dint of having showed up time after time, year after year, they had achieved power — and they were going to keep it. Did it matter that their most recent candidate got his ass kicked? No. Would it matter if that happened again? No.

    I stopped showing up. They won.

  6. In the pic with hillary and biden, if there was a blank thought bubble pointing to hillary, the look on her face looks like it would say “I’m going to do this one personally.”

  7. The Dem establishment is flooding the primary so that at the convention, the nomination will go to a second round, and then Super-Delegates can jump in to pick the nominee.

    1. Ding ding ding. The counter to that is to support multiple progressive voices in the primary. The DNC didn’t change heck of a lot, but they DID do one important concession that I think they’ll regret this election cycle… they removed the capacity for superdelegates to vote in the first round of convention voting. In a race that includes Tulsi and Bernie and perhaps some other progressives, if they can aggregate more than 50% of regular delegates and agree to rally behind each other with 2nd place getting a VP spot and others in the cabinet… then the progressive runnders up can instruct their delegates to switch to the lead progressive. Tulsi can grab up some of the identity politics votes, her veteran status in particular is handy. Maybe Yang can get a large number of disaffected poor tech-centric youth. Bernie’s base has a significant portion who feel wronged by the outcome of the 2016 cycle and won’t trust someone else. Between all of them they can certainly cover more ground than each of them individually. If that gets them over the 50% mark collectively, it might be enough to break the stranglehold that the Wall St Dems have over the party.

      1. Don’t even see Tulsi Gabbard in most of the Democrat polls, and they make sure to avoid mentioning her in the MSM. Lots about Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg, but no Tulsi.

  8. the arrogance, as the other side of stupidity, of the neolibs would be most hilarious if not so harmful to humanity.

  9. John Sanguinetti Avatar
    John Sanguinetti

    Ah Caitlin! You had me worried for a minute there. Thanks Again for being there !

    1. Yea, she worried me too, thanks God I continue the reading…..

  10. Charles Ortegon Avatar
    Charles Ortegon

    as Blake said, a fool who persists in his folly, becomes wise —- cheat Bernie and get frump again

  11. …sitting here in L.A. with my blueberry-basil kombucha…blew it outta my nose on this!

  12. I’m not ready to tear up my nine reasons for not voting for anyone. The elections are fixed and meaningless. (repeat that to yourself nine times to help it sink in.)

  13. Have to agree with Leonard Michael Ross, understanding/appreciating sarcasm takes critical thought which is lost on most people. I can’t tell you how many people I know who called me after reading your April 1 article, elated that you had finally capitulated on your thoughts about Russian interference and admitted you were wrong.

  14. Advance polling has him slightly ahead of Jar Jar Binks

  15. Joe Biden would make an excellent Democratic candidate. He has a highly polished persona that is very appealing to people. At the same time he would be completely obedient to the power establishment and do nothing for the people except further expedite their exploitation.

    1. Right on Paul. All electives have personal appealing traights. Hitler had it at the time. We all must ask ourselves do we really know this individual we are voting for. First we have to know his or hers faults. Everyone has them. If perfect character persists we have to delve much further. Love thy father and thy mother but check out here, mostly does the father and mother hold too much investment in this child. You only need to look up on the Kennedy family.

    2. Very succinct and very correct. BIden is a perfect candidate, requiring no thought to elect.

    3. They are all controlled by the power establishment, i.e the One Bank. Nobody get “elected ” to the leadership of a country anywhere without their say so. Governments don’t exist to serve people, they exist to control people.

  16. Caitlin,

    Have you got a inside track of where I can palm some money to some Russian Presidential Election meddling outfit for 2020?

    The past two years have been funny as f..k! Over here in Blighty, across the pond, our own Politicians and media are trying to beat team SpartUSA, but were good, but not that good.

    I’d like to keep the gift that keeps giving, going!

  17. I think you find Caitlin, he’s…….

  18. New tradition …………………April Fool’s Week! Keep going, Caitlin.

    1. Yeah but I think it only counts if you do it on April 1st…

      And Caitlin is usually so on the money!

  19. #10. Trust the Superdelegates. They know what’s best for you, better than yourself. You like Superheroes, right? Well, the “Super” in Superdelegates means they have the same qualities, fighting for Truth, Justice and the American Way.

    Oh, and this new thing about Biden not respecting women’s personal space? Putin masterminded the “Creepy Joe” meme after spiking Biden’s food with Viagra and Spanish Fly!.

  20. My heart is full. I am moved to tears. Sniff. Let me spell out my support, T U L S I.

  21. Cliff Sommers Avatar
    Cliff Sommers

    Scarcasm is completely beyond the comprehension of the average Klinton KoolAide slurper.

    1. That’s what I’m hoping for when I share this. Actually, I’m hoping they share this without actually opening the article.

  22. Ah, the Senator from MasterCard has skimped on expenses early on, and all he’s done is to copy and paste in the campaign strategy of the Hillary 2008 campaign. That worked out well. And it was the same OMG We are so fracking tired of the Republicans environment.

  23. Oh my, very well done my dear Caitlin! One of your best on the subject of the control of the D party by. ____. I saw the headlines a day after, then heard the reactions on a major TV talk show, led by the daughter of J. McCain and the daughter of another republican, Huntsman (?). Oh he’s ok, he just loves people. Joe, you’ve had heart-breaking things in your long life, great, long career as a politician, now go home and retire!!!!

    Many thank yous Caitlin. Stay on your path. Many love you for it.

  24. Nancy Barritt Avatar
    Nancy Barritt

    I just love your style of writing as well as your points of view. And I understand your sarcasm….totally. Someone said once “Sarcasm is like being all dressed up with no place to go.” That makes me giggle. Probably because sarcasm, to me, is an art form, and those of us who understand it would never be without a place to go. We just might not be “dressed up”.

  25. Michael John Finlayson Avatar
    Michael John Finlayson

    Stop trying to be funny, I thought it was the 1st of April again.

    1. uncle tungsten Avatar
      uncle tungsten

      With Joe Biden every day is the first of April.

  26. I’m convinced. I am rushing out to vote for Biden as I type.

    Oh, wait. I am not a US citizen and I don’t live in the USA. Heck, I may just have to contribute to the Russians to help them mess up another US election. Do you think 100 rubles would be appropriate?

  27. Is the ” fix ” in already?? I thought at least one of the ” unbought ” candidates might stand a chance and tease the electorate a little bit!! Politics in these United States of America have gone way beyond disgusting; way beyond!!!

  28. I laughed so hard on the Hillary spiel, I forgot that my son is having a root canal, my puppy is a homicidal maniac (at times) unless he is acting like a cuddlebug (schizoid Labradoodle), my tenth-in-a-row next-door neighbors (renters) are seriously collecting garbage in their driveway, porch, yard (back and front) and let their dog poop in mine while I am trying to sell my house, and I gained at least twenty pounds over our endless Syracuse, NY winter which hasn’t ended yet. Thanks for repeating the insane Hillary argument to vote for Her>>>>> and the chuckles.

  29. Luz Milagros MamaWolf Avatar
    Luz Milagros MamaWolf

    I literally Laughed Out Loud! Kisses!

  30. Sheila Chambers Avatar
    Sheila Chambers

    JOE BIDEN!!! YUCK!!!
    Thank goodness I didn’t take your post seriously!

    I have had it with “both” of those lying corporate parties & since no one else has a chance to “win” in our rigged so called “elections” I’m sitting 2020 out, not worth the bother.
    Let the electoral “collage” SELECT our RULER as usual. I have better things to do, like get STONED!

  31. Joe Van Steenbergen Avatar
    Joe Van Steenbergen

    Sorry, no. There’s never a good time to have a Democrat in the White House, especially one who’s associated with one of the most lawless presidents in modern history; Obama. His flouting of the law through issuance of blatantly illegal regulations and executive orders should tell us that the last thing we need/want is his “second in command.”

  32. LOL! Like Rocketman said, this April 3rd, not 1st!

  33. For a moment, a very very brief moment, but still a moment, you had me worried that the Thought Police had found you, strapped you into the chair (oh no, not The Chair!) and done their worst!

    Phew, I’m ok now, thanks for asking.

  34. Caitlin, you Omitted #10.

    10. A vote for Joe Biden will leave you with “a good feeling”

  35. Random Castagna Avatar
    Random Castagna

    The guy is a male feminist. The only thing worse than a feminist is a male feminist.

  36. Looking ForWar(D)…After eight years in office Joe Biden Pardons Assange and Manning.

  37. Caitlin, please don’t ever do that again. I expect crap like that on April 1st but today is the third.

    1. I loved it. it fit the news medias actions on Biden very well. The news media must think we cannot pick our own president. They try to do it for us every time. It is all Biden and Beto every day now on TV.

      1. shhh…. let them keep going down that road….

      2. Sheila Chambers Avatar
        Sheila Chambers

        Didn’t you pay attention to the 2016 “election”?
        WE cannot select the president!

        Some very rich people & some large corporations also select the candidates & those in control of the “vote” see to it that THEIR candidate “wins”.
        In 2016, a very popular candidate who drew large crowds compaird to his compitition who drew few was DENIED what should have been his WIN if he hadn’t been shut out by the DNC!

        I’ve had it with our FAKE, RIGGED, CORRUPT “ELECTIONS”, I’m BOYCOTTING the 2020 “election”, let the electoral “collage” select our ruler as usual!

  38. Hi, over, here… we’re the Libertarian party… hey, how come no one can see us? We must be in the spirit world… “did you see the size of those chickens?!?”

  39. Leonard Michael Ross Avatar
    Leonard Michael Ross

    Such an excellent satire on the 2016 Hillary appeal to voters. However, I am afraid many might take you seriously as critical reflection is a dying art these days.

  40. Thankyou, I needed a laugh today, things are getting weirder by the hour.

    1. Isn’t that the Truth! I live in Nevada -you should have seen the Russian Jets flyover.
      NO- I am NOT Kidding.

      1. uncle tungsten Avatar
        uncle tungsten

        Wow I live in kamchatkya peninsula and those Russian jets actually do sub-terrain manoeuvres. That’s what causes those large holes in the permafrost. Clever eh?

        Can you get the US air force to practice that manoeuvre with their F35’s. Tip, you have to keep doing it till you get it right. Like Boeing, just do it :))

    2. you aren’t alone, not by a wide margin… all around me, everyone is feeling about the same…

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