As the dire threat of Havana Syndrome gains increasingly widespread acknowledgement, the US government employees who’ve been finding themselves targeted by these attacks are desperate for a way to protect themselves from this electromagnetic menace.

Luckily, scientists at the Pentagon’s Defense Advanced Research Agency have devised an innovative new solution to this peril which anyone who feels they may be in danger of Kremlin microwave beams can implement using a common and inexpensive household product.

Here is a step-by-step breakdown of the simple prophylactic measure that experts are recommending for US diplomats, CIA operatives, government officials, wealthy media pundits, and anyone else who fears they may fall victim to GRU ray gun attacks:

First, you will need a roll of standard aluminum foil.

Second, lay out an arm span’s length of the foil. Don’t be stingy; your neurological wellbeing may depend on it.

Next, fold it in half. Doubling the layers adds extra protection from Kremlin radiation blasters.

Gather the foil around your head, careful to leave no vulnerable part of the cranium exposed.

Now pack down the foil over your skull. Be thorough now; you don’t want to let Russian brain phasers turn you into an idiot.


Manually adding two antennae helps your foil helmet deflect pulsed microwaves.

And there you have it. Not today, Ivan! You’ll have to try your dastardly Kremlin mind tricks on somebody less clever.

Experts highly recommend all western government officials make use of a Havana Syndrome deflector helmet for the foreseeable future, as well as all intelligence operatives, all major media figures, and anyone who just generally feels as though Russians pose a major threat to their way of life. It should be worn 24 hours a day, even when sleeping and bathing, because those lapses in cranial security are precisely when they’ll get you.

Scientists are now reportedly seeing promising research which suggests that Havana Syndrome rays can also be deflected by a rainbow-colored wig supplemented by white face makeup and a red ball on the nose.

So it turns out we here in the free world are a step or two ahead of the Kremlin. Nice try, Mister Putin. You’ve got to wake up pretty early in the morning to make fools out of us.




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37 responses to “US Officials Can Guard Against Havana Syndrome With This Innovative Home Solution”

  1. Potato chip bags are often mylar which is an aluminum film. I say we cut the budget for tin foil hats out and make all the diplomats and staff in all of our embassies wear old potato chip bags. That will make strong arm negotiations even more psychologically dominating when a bunch of entitled suits with ruffles bag beanie hats extract concessions and threaten tariffs and sanctions and demonstrate american values of safety and resourcefulness. Cspan views would go through the roof.

    1. Carolyn L Zaremba Avatar
      Carolyn L Zaremba

      HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

  2. Totally dig the hat, no doubt about it.

  3. Hope U got somethin’ special planned of this Tuesday, Oct 26, Caitlyn. Why? LBJ got Civil Rights Act and Medicare from our rulerz in return for, first, rolling over on JFK regime-change and, two, the Vietnam War that JFK was going to end (see: NSAM 263). JFK Records Act of 1992 mandated that ALL CIA records on assassination, UN-redacted, would be released on Oct 26, 2017. Of course, CIA-ass-kickin’ tough-guy Trumpy rolled over like a dog and pushed until … Oct 26, 2021. That’s this Tuesday – we’ll finally know how that raging alcoholic, Allen Dulles, and his Nazi thugs overthrew our government? Wanna bet Biden,Inc is maxxed on Aricept right now and this deadline, like all of the ones before it, will breeze right on by? And our rulerz will smile, once again, with relief. This will be the end of holding those traitorous ghouls in Langley to any kind of constitutional standard. They don’t call this feudal krony-kapitalist cesspool the United Snakes of Amerika for nothin’.

  4. What fun, Caitlin. Thanks for the deep belly laugh. You are hilarious, and I deeply appreciate all of the serious work you do to help me understand how bat-shit crazy the world we live in is.

  5. What fun, Caitlin. Thanks for the deep belly laugh. You are hilarious, and I deeply appreciate all of the serious work you do to help me understand how bat-shit crazy the world we live in is.

  6. It’s not’s not an explanation I’d normally reach for, but since it is a hypothesis still quite popular in US circles, warmongers and imperialists very much included:

    Perhaps it is simply God?

    Telling the boys from Langley ever so softly, that they need to stay the fuck away from other sovereign countries and should get an honest job?

  7. We in America are at a disadvantage to the rest of the world here. I see you made your foil hat from AluminIUm. (Read the box label.) In the States we have only AluminUm to work with. Even our Five Eyes allies apparently could not lend us the necessary additional “i” to spell out the complete name of this lightweight metal.

    I say this is just more proof of perfidy on the part of those Russians because, you know, it was a crafty 19th century Russian (Mendeleev) who devised the Periodic Table of the Elements without asking America first about the names and abbreviations to be used. You say Sulphur, well we say Sulfur. You use Aluminium, we insist on Aluminum. How do you like them apples, I mean tomaytoes?

  8. Or wear a mask against a. Virus

    1. Or a tin foil arm protector against the EXPERIMENTAL RNA VACCINES (First tested in 2020).
      Hang on _ _ _ _that won’t work.
      Those needles can penetrate tin foil.

  9. ha Ha!! Love it !!

  10. Hey, dig the antennae!

    I fully expect a commercial version, stylistically inflected and with matching face mask, on shipment from China in the coming weeks, but I understand that we will all make do with DIY product until we get over the shortage.

    I suppose we will all have to wait for the full flowering of tinfoil antennae porn, but we can all dream.

  11. Caitlin, is it permissable for me to accessorize my helmet with bling or will that diminish my protection.

  12. Don’t forget, the Havana Syndrome is now being reported by Imperial minions all over the world. The new recommended name is Havana Plus the Rest of the World Syndrome. Why just blame Cuba when you can blame everyone you don’t like?

    1. I would suggest “anti-US syndrome” – which would be immediately popular by pandering to the US’ national paranoia and would include of course the germs of antisemitism, racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, white supremacism and expressed or implied neutrality about the monstrous atrocities performed everyday by the Chinese, the Russians, the Iranians, the Cubans and the Venezuelans like eating their children (Sting took the trouble to sing in the 80s that the Russians love their children too but that’s egregious Kremlin propaganda instilled into his brain by their famous long-haul ray machines – or the SVR agents routinely hiding under Westerners’ beds to beam them while they sleep), squeezing viruses out of helpless bats or paying bounties to people fighting American soldiers to kill them, in case those morons don’t think of it themselves.

    2. If Havana Syndrome is being reported at American embassies the world over then people really should think about what is the one and only common factor in all these incidences i.e. that they are taking place in US Embassies.

      I am putting down a marker now: one day it will be revealed that “Havana Syndrome” is the result of some super-secret equipment installed in US Embassies world-wide by one of the oh-so-many three-letter-acronyms of the “US Intelligence Community”.

      As in, this is an entirely self-inflicted syndrome and the CIA/NSA/whatever is putting out these cover stories because they don’t want to dismantle that equipment, even though they know it is affecting the health of US citizens.

      1. NO group in DC has more raging alcoholics than the State Dept & “Intelligence Community” (same thing). Thinkin’ Wild Bill Donovan, both Dulles brothers, Angleton, Casey … all the way to Tenant – every one I’ve ever encountered was a raging drunk (first Scotch – 09:20 – EVERY day).

        So, my take on this ‘Havana syndrome’ horseshit? It’s THE HANGOVER, stupid (Headache, ringing ears, nausea, over-sensitivity to noise – that’s a hangover). Listen, CIA-breath: fruit smoothie w/an egg, coupl’a aspirin and a little hair-of-the-dog and you’ll be all set to carry on murdering defenseless little brown people, regime-changin’ ’em and stealing their natural resources.

  13. Great fun to read this 🙂

    I was thinking it was going to be cotton balls to be inserted into the ears, or maybe headphones, to keep the sound of the crickets out of what passes for a brain. Or maybe read Howard Zinn, or what-have-you.

    Cheers !!

  14. Technical question:
    If that hat keeps gliding off, do you tack it to the temple?

  15. Robert W Mcneilly Avatar
    Robert W Mcneilly

    I wear one marked in radio station gradients as a joke when getting my mri s. Intake people love it. Technicians don’t laugh as hard.

  16. Yeah, what other government mandated health disruption could possibly be causing government employees to suffer strange and inexplicable symptoms all of a sudden…? Hmmmm….

  17. Oh, dear! Cait is giving us wrong advice about tinfoil hats. They do not really work. They actually amplify non ionizing radiation at the frequencies the secret police agencies use. See

    The hazards to targets of such organizations are real. The technology which can beam auditory hallucinations into your head has been around for some time. You can be sure it gets used. Read here

    But it is getting old hat in the spy world. Likely some targets have realized what is going on, got help from other potential targets, and tracked down the source. I doubt if it was a pleasant discussion for the people who were using it.

    So this technology is now being put onto the open market. People who want to walk around with loud music blasting in their ear can now do so without danger of getting their sonic devices and/or their heads broken by annoyed people in the vicinity. But maybe the point of walking around with ghetto blasters is to annoy people.

    Check these new devices out at Latest brilliant invention of Israeli tech firms.

    As for the troubles of US embassy staff in Havana, aside from more stupid propaganda, it sounds like a lot of diplomats and intel types want a reason for early retirement. We can understand their desire to cash in early; the next few years will not be happy ones in their industry. tr

  18. A serious comment:

    When a person of interest needs to be gently suppressed. Say a whistleblower who wants to discuss how troll farms are used to steer public opinion, letting them know is subtle ways they are being watched is a great idea. They will become agitated and paranoid and they will alienate anyone they take their story too.

    Operational Security is maintained. Whatever important info that leaks out is dismissed as crazy talk as a natural knee-jerk reaction.

    Letting targeted individuals know they might be taking a microwave bath which WILL MAKE THEM AGITATED is mere icing on the cake. Seductive and sweet icing, a person who is ALREADY AGITATED is going to eat it up. They would have to be an Electronic Engineer to know better, like I am.

    Last article I mentioned the ruse was attempted on me years ago. I am SERIOUS. The ploy has been around a long time.. Something known by the ‘victims’ is being suppressed and suppressed well since all people can talk about is the microwave distraction. As planned. Mission Accomplished. Did you really think this story ‘just happened’. No, the apparatus of suppression knows more about human nature than a Dickens or a Dostoevsky ever can.

    1. Add to anxiety the stress of working and living in a strange place at a job that nobody really understands, and a lot of the symptoms make sense. I think they are not all suspected whistleblowers, but the victims of long hours and lots of disinformation at work. Getting time off or early retirement without admitting that you are weak and stressed must be very appealing to these government employees, and having Russia to blame for everything certainly greases the wheels.

  19. Pretty funny even tho old hat–pun intended (LOL)

  20. multi purpose!

    Faucci’s take:

  21. The tinfoil hat is so old school. An array of antennas to capture the microwave energy, repurposed to charge a laptop battery is more practical. Using a battery charged by 5-eye government surveillance and fuckery to read Catlin’s column would be trick.

    If the US government is up to shit. But you are not sure. Listen to what the US government is claiming Russians are doing. Observe the rules. Hubris will accuse Russians of having the same toys according to:.

    1 Blame the Russians
    2 see rule 1

  22. Excellent suggestion! I’m always a sucker for a good tip. And what can we do about Xi Jinping and his Chinese Communist Party whose bloodthirsty murderers are swimming in shoals across the ocean with their knives between their teeth to come and slit our throats while we’re asleep?

    1. An Anti-Static bag and a ground strap will protect against being Jinpinged.

  23. A simpler solution not mentioned (and why):

    Stay out of the affairs of other countries! Otherwise known as mind your own business!

  24. In Soviet Russia, hat wears you!!!

    But seriously I wear the hat not to keep the voices out, but to keep them in. The world is not prepared for what my brain can do.

  25. Crickets! Crickets! I hear crickets!
    Does anybody else hear them?
    Surely you hear them?
    They’re everywhere! Crickets!
    So I was talking to this guy and . . . crickets . . . he said they can eat through tinfoil as if it was cheese! There’s no escape!
    Crickets! I can’t sleep!

    1. Can’t say I’m surprised :o)

    2. Not crickets. It’s insects from space that crawl in your ear and take over your brain.
      On second thought, never mind. In “Braindead” the possessed politicians didn’t realize anything was wrong with them. It must be some other invasion.

  26. You forgot the BBQ sauce.

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