HomePoetryThings I Have Invented

Things I Have Invented

I have invented a synergistic dongle widget
which uses VPN robo-cybertechnology
to turn millionaires into billionaires.
Invest,
invest,
get in on the ground floor
and invest.

I have invented a new rechargeable battery
which is made entirely of eco-friendly materials
by the youngest slaves in Bangladesh.

I have invented a virtual home assistant
called Amazon Snitch
which automatically forwards all your dissident political opinions
directly to the CIA.
It costs seven hundred dollars.

I have invented a type of GMO corn
which is immune to disease
and immune to herbicides
and immune to fire
and immune to reason
and immune to the human digestive system
and immune to nuclear radiation.
You don’t need to use unhealthy pesticides;
you can dust these crops with napalm.

I have invented a new kind of drone
which turns another country’s airspace
into your country’s airspace.

I have invented a new guilt-free ice cream.
It is full of fat and sugar,
and it is not vegan,
but it contains psilocybin
so when you eat it you can see that guilt
is an unhelpful tool of societal manipulation
which may be safely dispensed with.

I have invented a new dating app
which messages anyone whose photo you click,
“I am lonely,
and I fear dying alone,
and we’re on an orb that is spinning through space,
and I’m confused,
and I’m pretty sure everything I believe is a lie,
but your face is attractive to me,
and while I am very, very far from perfect,
I am willing to make myself vulnerable
and take a chance on whatever love is.”

I have invented a magical spell
which you cast by placing your palm upon the earth.
It makes you feel that you are home,
nourished and safe
as you felt when you were in the womb.
It lets you feel quiet and still,
certain that you belong here,
and that,
deep down,
everything is always ultimately okay.

That last one is free.
You can use it whenever you want to.

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Latest comments

  • Caitlin Johnstone, you are a new hero of mine. Not my only hero–my wife and kids claim top honors. But you are definitely a hero. I so appreciate your reckless pursuit of the truth and the warmth of your soul. Keep writing! And thank you.

  • Another Ozzie invented something almost as great as those achievements Caitlin referred to. Nick Vujicick (born without arms or legs) invented this thought: “It isn’t the pursuit of happiness, it’s the happiness of pursuits.”

  • I love your inventions, mostly the latter kind. Never stop inventing. Isn’t a fire truck just another type of hydrant? Not being a robot, I’m just not sure.

  • Truth spoken

  • Wonderful! I will make good use of the last stanza!

  • So many tests to prove I’m not a robot. The pics are small and not very clear and it’s hard to tell whether some items are present when they’re so far in the distance lack of clarity makes it difficult to tell. And when asked to click on squares with, eg, traffic lights, does that mean just the actual red-yellow-green lights or the poles they’re on as well? After all, if I drive into a traffic light it means I’ve hit the pole not the light itself.

    Here we go again …

  • Your best by far. Thank you.

    Hope it gets lots of shares around the world with translations for people who don’t speak English.

  • Yes with huge font.
    Huge.

  • I will steal them all.
    Counterfeit could work
    Originals surpass.

  • Best poem yet! ❤️

  • Brilliant! Thank you.

  • Incredible, Caity!

  • This is the best yet… I love it!!!

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