In a surprise move, President Biden live-streamed himself taking a cognitive test with a White House physician today in order to silence speculation that he is suffering from any type of degenerative neurological disease.

During the test the president was asked to remember a series of words and then repeat them sequentially some minutes later, then to accurately hand-draw the face of a clock. Biden completed these tasks quickly and without difficulty, then held an immediate press conference.

“Sorry to drag you all out here after eight PM, but I wanted everyone to see that my cognitive functioning remains at peak levels even well after the sun goes down,” the president told reporters after the test. “I don’t know how all these conspiracy theorists imagined the country could go on functioning if its leader had Alzheimer’s disease, but I’m just glad to shut ’em up once and for all.”

Jill Biden, who also attended the press conference, took the opportunity reiterate that this proves once and for all that she was not participating in elder abuse by pushing a dementia patient to pose as a powerful statesman.

“I was not, will not, and would never participate in elder abuse,” the First Lady said emphatically. “This was never about my personal ambition to become First Lady, nor was it anything to do with the many ball gowns I bought online over lockdown. Even if they aren’t the kind of dresses you can wear just anywhere, I would never pump my husband with frightening amounts of pharmaceuticals and force him out on the hustings over a few, admittedly quite exquisite, frocks.”

The president then went on to sign multiple executive orders halting deportations of undocumented immigrants, freeing the children from detention camps at the border, mandating a $15 an hour minimum wage, re-entering the Iran deal, pressuring Saudi Arabia to end the genocide in Yemen, and honoring many promises he’d made along the campaign trail, placing a wide distance between the Trump administration’s policies and his own.

This politically savvy move by the US president comes as a surprise after his previously snapping at those who’ve suggested he take such a test. It also strikes a severe credibility blow to those of us who’ve been saying that the 78 year-old has been exhibiting signs of significant cognitive decline and probably shouldn’t be responsible for the operation of the most powerful military force ever assembled.

Speaking for myself though, this is one thing I’m happy to have been conclusively proven wrong about. Can you imagine if the most powerful government on earth was headed by someone whose brain doesn’t work properly? That would be nutty, and would effectively prove that America’s official elected government is just a performative illusion which has no bearing on the actual functioning of America’s behavior on the world stage.

And just think about what the horrifying implications would be if that were true. If it didn’t matter whether the president’s brain looks like swiss cheese and America’s official political system was a fake pro wrestling-style performance overlying an unelected power structure, comprised for example of a loose alliance between plutocrats and government agency insiders, it would mean the American people have no meaningful say in what their government does. It would make the act of voting a meaningless sideshow distraction designed to give people the illusion of control while the most powerful government on earth wages wars and exploits people internationally and domestically guided by nothing but profit motive and geostrategic control agendas, effectively meaning that the world is ruled by an unaccountable oligarchy of greedy sociopaths.

So it’s a good thing it’s not true.

After being proven so conclusively wrong about all this I promise to take this humbling lesson on board, to re-evaluate my worldview accordingly, and to do better, from this point onward. As of today, this first of April 2021, my readers may consider me a changed woman.


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81 responses to “Biden Passes Alzheimer’s Test With Flying Colors, Silencing Doubters”

  1. Bull Sh*t! Joe Biden IS SENILE & everyone knows it. C’mon–you can see it in his face & you can hear it in his “talking points” which straddle off in every direction under the sun. Remember all the crap Ronald Reagan received due to his age & any vocal missteps. Joe Biden IS SENILE–do you Dems REALLY WANT a senile POTUS with the power of blowing up the world. Hells Bells–even Hillary would have been better than Senile Joe. How DARE you DEMOCRATS put your party in front of our nation which ALL the bad actors (China, Russia, North Korea, Radical Islam Territofy, etc.) know he was little-to-no brain power left. How DARE YOU PUT POLITICS BEFORE THE SAFETY OF OUR COUNTRY. One more time, Dems–JOE BIDEN IS SENILE. WE ALL KNOW JOE BIDEN IS SENILE. WE ALSO ALL KNOW JOE BIDEN IS THE ONLY VIABLE DEMOCRAT TO RUN AT THIS TIME.

    1. It’s hard to know where to begin…with all of the nonsense and obtuseness in your comment.
      Firstly… Caitlin is being SARCASTIC in this column. She clearly agrees with you, and all sensible people, that Joe is exhibiting all of the classic signs of Cognitive Decline.

      Secondly, as we’ve seen under several previous Administrations (Wilson Reagan, Trump), the US President is primarily a figurehead…most of the real decisions and work is done by the staff, and sometimes directly against the wishes of the nominal leader, as we saw with the refusal to remove Troops from Syria, under Trump.

      Lastly… The US Government is the greatest threat and danger on this planet…grossly dwarfing any of the targets of Fear-mongering that you listed. In fact, one of those – Takfiri Jihadist extremism – is actually a TOOL of the US Government, as seen in Libya, Syria, Kosovo, Afghanistan, and now Western China.

      The rest of the World is right to fear the US-centered EMPIRE… The US has little credible reason to fear any of the Boogeymen that you listed.

      Caitlin is an Australian…not a US Democrat. I’d highly recommend that you subscribe to her email list – as the information contained in her writings will help to counteract the nonsense Narratives that Ruppert Murdoch appears to have been filling your ears with

  2. My mother-in-law can’t even remember what day of the week it is. Yet she passed the Altzheimers test.

    The way Biden drew and is gleefully holding up that clockface seems to indicate he has the mind of a child.

    1. Brian F Matonti Avatar
      Brian F Matonti


      1. I am beginning to think that a large number of Republicans are like those crazy conspiracist flakes. What has happened to them? Their party? Trump did a lot of damage to them. If you read these replies, you can definitely sense it. Let me wake you folks up. It is a 2 party systems whether you like that or not. It is just the way it is. Wake up!!!!!!!! Smell the coffee!!!!!!! You cannot control the whole thing with one party. If you think for one minute the rich already have too much power, just think of how much worse it would be if more Republicans had control. It has always & always will be the party of the rich, by the rich & for the rich.

  3. Bill, I think your use of the phrase, “full blown”, is very apropos considering who Crooked China Joe’s vice president is.

  4. Jim Cunningham Avatar
    Jim Cunningham

    Happy April Fools!
    Too bad it’s a fucking joke…

  5. You had me going until Jill said “hustings.” Nope, no such thing here in the states.

  6. Charlie McCarthy 2024

  7. Daniel Silvan Avatar
    Daniel Silvan

    Too bad the test didn’t consist of walking up stairs.

  8. Yeah, sure… April fool!

  9. What Alzheimers test? Joe Biden, even as a senator, was always considered a BOOB and a Nitwit, even by democrats. His natural mentality has always been damaged.

    1. …unforunately [ if i am to believe what i am told] some 160,000,000 of my fellow americans are STILL affirming these $@(#ing republicrat puppet$ on $election day…ugh…

      1. Stolen election…lol

  10. Piero Colombo Avatar
    Piero Colombo

    One of your best.

  11. I was thinking APril Fool too … but c’mon, gimme a break … isn;t it OBVIOUS that Biden is doing a Hillary and using a body double sometimes ?

    NOBODY goes from the mumbling idiot to the clarity of delivery in some of his speeches !

    1. arseasinateher Avatar

      I was lead to believe all these powerful and or influential types have body doubles. Something to do with confusing would be assassins. I reckon if a body double could create crippling doubt in an assassins mind to the point of non performance then assassinations are probably not for them.

  12. It’s eerie to consider the implications of the Merkin oligarchy thinking they can get away with putting a r e a l zombie into the POTUS slot. Admittedly the job is essentially that of mascot – (with the last two presidents who dared to take themselves seriously being assassinated) but it has always been a serious symbol for the many – to whom it did not occur to look behind the curtain for the ‘whizzards’.

  13. Look Ma, another crooked old DEMO-saur about to get his well deserved kick into the tar pits or the Arkansas River, whichever comes first..

  14. I have to confess you had me there for a while. My comment was going to be: well there’s one excuse for his behavior ruled out … but a great April Fools Day joke after all.

  15. Oh man; that was good. I read your post and then HAD to go to the comments because I really couldn’t believe 1) that Biden and his wife would go to such extremes, and 2) that you would cave in to support Biden to that extent! Great April Fool’s Day post!

  16. Holy mountain lol, I dont think Ive ever seen it sober before, thanks Caitlin. I think that was the coup de grace for me.

  17. I don’t care if it is April 1st, Caitlin Johnstone.

    I will forever think of this as Joe Biden’s greatest hour, or day. A happy Fools’ Day to one and all, and double that to my fellow Americans–and myself, if I do say so. Can we declare April 2nd “Fooled Again Day”?

  18. Daniel A Gonzales Avatar
    Daniel A Gonzales

    The best April fool’s day prank I ever read!

  19. Well, I was really shocked by this essay, I’m reminded of what Abraham Lincoln once had to say, “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people, some of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.” The big ship in the Suez Canal didn’t get stuck in mud by accident, it was intentional and accomplished by remotely interfering with its navigation system. The proof is easy enough to find for anyone that cares. Passing this test that Biden took, will either be reversed due to blackmail, or the infrastructure of the U.S. will be improved so that the Israelis won’t have to pay for it when the City of London with its Royal Family moves to the U.S.. Yes, we’re all going to die, LOL.

  20. Susan Mercurio Avatar
    Susan Mercurio

    Happy April Fool’s Day!

  21. Sally, the beauty of Eostre is every day she wakes up is a new day – a new beginning. Sally, that is the way I view things these days. How bout you? Like, we do have a destination, we all know that individually. You know – ‘ain’t nothing gonna save an old man from his grave’. So with that said, Sally, I have a proposal. Let’s bypass Memphis. I’ve been there and parts of it are wonderful, but other parts are concrete depressing and sad. Did I ever tell you about the site near Memphis in which the rendering liquids were the main raw material? My associate had to puke, but I resisted it.
    The rest of the ride that day was easy and we setup camp peacefully

    HappyApril Fool’s Day fellow readers.

  22. You almost fooled me..

  23. This is all theater. I am a retired psychiatrist having spent 25 years of my career working with patients with head injury and early dementia. The only way to conclusively rule out dementia is through a CAT scan and the Halstead-Reitan Neuropsychological battery (or comparable screening), administered by a specially trained psychologist. The process takes a minimum of 6 to 8 hours. See

    1. Hello Dr Bramhall. As a psychiatrist of many years standing, do you find it interesting when people are fooled by April Fool’s jokes?


  24. LOL. Police Departments are allowed to choose which psychological tests to administer to new recruits to ensure they are fit for service. Psychologists are allowed to engage in practices linked to torture and psychological warfare, so obviously they have no Hippocratic oath to pretend to adhere to, so it’s all a great hoot to begin; the results are always favorable to whoever is footing the bill. Doctors, nurses, etcetera in the U.S. are no better than their Nazi counter parts were, because they’re all beholden to the same people.

  25. Caitlin Johnstone wrote:
    > The president then went on to sign multiple executive orders halting deportations of undocumented immigrants, freeing the children from detention camps at the border, mandating a $15 an hour minimum wage, re-entering the Iran deal, pressuring Saudi Arabia to end the genocide in Yemen, and honoring many promises he’d made along the campaign trail, placing a wide distance between the Trump administration’s policies and his own.
    Wow, a historic day, April 1st, 2021.

  26. So I guess what he is saying is that he was already a full blown moron without any help from alzheimers or other cognitive problems.

  27. Boris Alotofkrap Avatar
    Boris Alotofkrap

    Boris read that war break out last night between FBI and CIA. (If reader is thinking this is joke, check links.) So far 12 FBI agents commit suicide and 23 assassinated, each by lone gunman. This morning FBI release report which is proving entire management of CIA rape someone in college. Purpose of war unclear. CIA spokesperson say war “to protect national security.” FBI spokesperson say war “to settle who runs this country.”

    1. I don’t know the specifics, but yes, the FBI & CIA are both under the total control of Israel, but Israel has its own factions; just like Prohibition here in the U.S. was under the total control of gangsters, not every gangster belongs to the gang, or, in modern terms, Mafia. Today’s reality though, is that, whoever, is the present head-of- household (I forget his name) of the Rothschilds is in probability also the head Don of all the Maria’s in Western Society. Between them they control everything, including the Supreme Court and all other courts, the whole system is nothing more than a big shake down.

      1. So all the “Dons” can be identified. Many, many know across all the lands. We know. We know down to the individual level. We know.
        Next step is simple. Justified retribution in the name of the People.
        Best part of it being just how much we KNOW, the justified retribution will be discriminate. That’s how it seems to me Lynn and that is the view of a man who knows every day is a new day.
        Happy April’s Fool Day to you and happy Eostre to one and all.
        Peace is easy!

  28. From Psychology Today:

    “What is cognitive dissonance?

    When someone tells a lie and feels uncomfortable about it because he fundamentally sees himself as an honest person, he may be experiencing cognitive dissonance. That is, there is mental discord related to a contradiction between one thought (in this case, knowing he did something wrong) and another (thinking that he is honest).”

    Obviously, not a problem for Joe.

    1. Got to disagree with your definition. Cognitive dissonance is the inability to see what is right in front of your face due to the psychological pain of being wrong and having one’s entire life view discarded by new information. In other words it is living in extreme denial. About 75-80% of Americans have a bad case of it. Joe Biden never had enough of a brain for any of that to register.

  29. There are neuroenhancers that boost memory in the short term. Afterwards, however, the brain is often all the more damaged. Whether Biden is really fit in the head or has cheated, the future will show.

    1. Which Biden took the test? There is at least one copy….

    2. Given that we’ve had very sharp guys in the presidency for several decades now, with rather poor results, it might be a good idea to try a lunatic, a dementia patient, or a committee of sanitation workers from Duluth. Certainly the last-named could get the job done, and we’ve already had some experience with the first and can probably handle the situation.

      1. It went to the point that clever people hide their intelligence to advance political carrier, and apologize profusely when they behave sensibly.

        Sen. Cruz spent cold snap that happened in his state in a much warmer place, Cancun if I recall. If he heated his residence (not small, I presume) minimally during his absence (avoiding bursting pipes), he would do his piece toward a better energy balance. But rather than taking the credit, he apologize most humbly, and probably he will not utter a sensible sentence until the next election.

  30. So now he has no excuse. He’s personally responsible for the crimes of the US Psychopaths In Charge. He would have been better off personally if he failed the test.
    I fail to see how this isn’t just another public display of government fraud. Seriously, do you not think this could be faked? That the proper responses might not be displayed behind the camera?
    All it proves is that he MIGHT not be a victim of dementia, but if not, he is definitely a member in good standing with the rest of the Psychopaths In Charge.

    1. …stop focusing on the puppet$…the managers…the operators….

      …you are ruled/controlled by a never-honestly-audited owner cla$$…

      …learn about/focus on ‘the money’ and you won’t get april-fooled so easily by caitlin!.. 😉

      1. I don’t think the area of my focus has much to do with me being fooled once in a while.
        Which is NOT on the puppets, by the way. My criticism is focused on those who ARE.

        1. …it has been my experience that anyone wasting ANY mental energy on the ‘liberal/left-wing/democrat/etc.’ puppet$/manager$/operator$ and/or the ‘conservative/right wing/republican/etc. puppet$/manager$/operator$ do so largely because they are unaware of the true rulemaking/owner cla$$…no sane intelligent person would rip to shreds the puppet$ while idolizing, ignoring, etc. the puppetma$ter$!… 😉

  31. You got me, Ms Johnstone. Being almost as old as Joe Biden, it did not dawn on me right away to look out for pranks and jokes today. It is ” April Fools Day ” after all!

    1. You can join my club. I wasn’t even aware of the date until I had a need to know it, after this article.

  32. According to CNN and MSNBC, on this very day, Biden was prevented from launching a full scale nuclear strike against Russia and China. When the top generals responsible for verifying codes contacted the president before countdown, he initially responded “Come on, man, I’m in the middle of breakfast!” Upon them further challenging him, he lashed out “Go vote for someone else!” It was decided directly thereafter there would be no final countdown.
    But, by that time, Russia and China had already retaliated. Seek shelter. The bombs should arrive within 20 minutes.

  33. Dorothy Brown Avatar
    Dorothy Brown

    Have you noticed Caitlin that they are starting to disappear all the dementia clips one by one?

  34. Since this post is in the realm of Saturday Night Live, I will take this opportunity to interject a serious note regarding the current pandemic that has got the world screaming for help.

    Take prescribed amounts of Vitamin D and Zinc, because both are needed for the immune system to function properly. Like any supplement, don’t overdose yourself, only take the prescribed amount for your body weight.

    Read these articles to inform yourself about roles Vitamin D and Zinc play in a healthy immune system

    Watch the following video to inform yourself about the potential serious side effects of the current vaccination regime.

    And read this post by one of the world’s leading virologists who presents a more subdued explanation of why the current vaccination regime may not be the best approach.

  35. Michel Bélisle Avatar
    Michel Bélisle

    In the “System”, the president or the prime minister does not matter. Decisions are made elsewhere, in the circle of billionaires, and they only apply the decisions.

    Like, for example, billionaires decided that an ideal world could only come about by pulling down your pants to receive a vaccine and political “decision-makers” simply applied the directive.

    All that we have seen for a year cannot be explained other than by the approach of the end of the world.

    Keeping my Rosary on hand!

    ​COVID-19 has distracted us, all of us, from economic realities for over a year now, and we should stop being distracted. If we had not gotten the huge fear campaign, we would not have had the huge fear. Vitamin-D adequacy greatly reduces vulnerability to catching and getting badly sick from COVID, and dying from it.
    Be adequate. Take 5000 units per day of vitamin-D. It’s cheap and available. Just do it.

    ​ ​We assessed the association between vitamin D and risk, severity, and mortality for COVID-19 infection, through a review of 43 observational studies. Among subjects with deficient vitamin D values, risk of COVID-19 infection was higher compared to those with replete values (OR = 1.26; 95% CI, 1.19-1.34; P < .01). Vitamin D deficiency was also associated with worse severity and higher mortality than in nondeficient patients (OR = 2.6; 95% CI, 1.84-3.67; P <  .01 and OR = 1.22; 95% CI, 1.04-1.43; P <  .01, respectively).
    ​ ​Reduced vitamin D values resulted in a higher infection risk, mortality and severity COVID-19 infection.
    Supplementation may be considered as preventive and therapeutic measure.

  37. There is rapid testing available now, and you can order and hold ivermectin based treatment from India.
    Treat Your Own COVID: ​

    In Texas, we have 5.2% test positivity rate for COVID, the lowest ever (scroll to percent positive graphic) but the rapid test positivity rate is 2/3 of that, 3%, and that is the rate I believe, because when you test a lot of asymptomatic people with PCR tests, people who are not actually infected show up as more and more of the “positive results”.

    If you already got a COVID vaccine and are reading this, you are not in the small percent who got fatal side effects. People at low risk of dying from COVID should really do everything other than get vaccinated first.
    Germany says AstraZeneca Covid shot should only be given to people over 60 as country tallies 9 deaths from blood clots

    Oops. 15 million doses of Johnson and Johnson COVID vaccine were mixed up with a wrong ingredient and can’t be used.​
    ​New team at the factory. Other batches are probably fine.​

    ​This “class traitor” has the temerity to say that only people at high risk of morbidity and mortality from COVID should get vaccinated.
    The great majority of people should not submit to current vaccines.
    He’s a high priest of science. How dare he?
    ​Twitter Censors Famed Epidemiologist Martin Kulldorff

    1. Thanks for this valuable information. I think it’s crazy to give the shot to people over 60 though, since there were no trials done with this age group. I have read that there have been alot of deaths in nursing homes, post-injection. The response has been, “they’re old, they were going to die anyway.”

      1. stephan borau Avatar
        stephan borau

        @Blessthebeasts: Do you have links to those articles — I have never heard that people are dying after getting vaccinated. AstraZeneca had a small number of over-60 participants in their trials, but millions of doses given in the UK are showing no significant adverse effects to seniors (even 80+). Public Health Scotland released a report that Covid hospitalizations were reduced by 94% amongst 500,000 seniors vaccinated.

        1. Sorry, I don’t have the links. I think there was one incident in Norway and also a convent in Kentucky where several cloistered nuns died soon after being vaccinated. These incidents aren’t being publicized in the MSM naturally.

    2. Take prescribed amounts of Vitamin D and Zinc, because both are needed for the immune system to function properly. Like any supplement, don’t overdose yourself, only take the prescribed amount for your body weight.

    ​ ​Mexico City is the first major global city to adopt what amounts to a test-and-treat approach to covid-19 involving ivermectin. But it was the largely indigenous southern state of Chiapas that led the way last summer. In July 2020, as Mexico was buckling under its first wave of the pandemic, the state decided to distribute ivermectin as a Covid-19 treatment, having already deployed the medicine in its battle against mosquito-borne RNA viruses such as Zika and Chikungunya. Since October Chiapas has consistently occupied the lowest risk level on the federal government’s coronavirus stoplight map.
    ​ ​Thanks to ivermectin’s apparent success in Chiapas, IMSS allowed the medicine to be prescribed nationwide. It also helped launch the pilot program in Mexico City, for which it received a barrage of criticism. An official group of health experts argued that there’s no scientific evidence that the drug is effective, and called for the immediate repeal of its use. To their credit, both the Secretariat and IMSS have stuck to their guns.​ ​

    Ivermectin prophylaxis leads to 73 per cent reduction in Covid infection: AIIMS-Bhubaneswar study

    ​The WHO tries to pretend that nobody knows if ivermectin based treatments are effective against COVID. The WHO prefers fear, sickness and death. WHY?

    1. Love the comment for durvet ivermectin on Tractor Supply website:

      “This paste is a LIFE-SAVER. It can be used for prophylaxis or treatment. After billions of uses around the world, it’s known to be safer than Tylenol or Ibuprophen. If your “pony” weighs 120-200 lbs, one tube has 6-10 doses’ worth, depending on the actual weight.”

  39. Give that man a bottle of tequila and let him chase it with the nuclear codes.

  40. Shi_! I wish I had your gift of understated satire. Genius! Oh, is today’s date important?

  41. You got me for a minute. Thanks for the lol.

  42. Thank you Caitlin. It felt good to laugh. I needed a good laugh. Thanks again.

  43. Edward Hackett Avatar
    Edward Hackett

    Assuming this is not an April Fool post.

    Thank you for admitting your thoughts were incorrect. At least about Mr. Biden’s mental condition. The war-mongering part will need more time to work out, but I have a feeling you might be correct in that department.

    We did have Reagan, who had dementia and whose wife supposedly consulted with an astrologer.

    We had Trump – who defies description.

  44. Good one, Caitlin. Happy April Fool’s Day to you too.

  45. The only fools are those who continue to vote for Tweedledum and/or Tweedledee, with expectations that their lot will improve.

  46. Very Clever!
    You had me going “WTF?” for a few seconds there…

  47. And he is also going to free Julian Assange..:)

  48. Foolish April but would it make any difference one way or the other?

  49. Julius Skoolafish Avatar
    Julius Skoolafish

    Yeah, but can he count backwards from 100 in sevens.
    You know, 97 – 87 – 77 – 66 – 343
    Joe Biden’s Insane thoughts on Hairy Legs, Roaches, and kids

  50. Ho ho. As if …. but wouldn’t it have been wonderful if it wasn’t 1st April

  51. April Fool.

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