A transcript of exchanges between US President Donald Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin has been leaked to National News Conglomerate by an anonymous source within the Kremlin. We here at NNC have confirmed the authenticity of this document using the same rigorous verification process we’ve been using to authenticate the evidence for all our other reporting on Russia’s involvement in the 2016 US elections over the last two years. These verification methods include hunches, gut intuitions, and an introspective assessment of the way our feelings feel. The following exchanges revealed in this transcript provide the clearest evidence yet that the President of the United States has been in collusion with the Russian government for years.
This introduction has been authored by the editorial board of the National News Conglomerate. Obey.
Trump: I have done as you commanded, my dominant and all-powerful lord. I have conspired with your hackers to steal the election, and now I’m going to be president! I want to thank you for not releasing that video footage of those Russian prostitutes I hired to urinate on a bed the Obamas once slept in. If that had come out it would have offended and alienated a lot of people, which is something I never normally do.
Putin: Yes that is an old KGB tactic called kompromat, a word which only extremely intelligent people know about. Keep this line of communication open. As long as you do as I command, your pee pee tape will remain secret.
Trump: One thing I’m curious about though my lord, if you don’t mind my asking. If you already had an army of hackers targeting Democratic Party emails, why did you need my help? Couldn’t you just have hacked the emails and published them on your own? Why did you need me to interact with them at all?
Putin: Moral support, mainly. We don’t need to get into specifics.
Trump: Oh okay.
Trump: I’m in! Whew! I was really worried that leaked dossier would be the end of me! What are my instructions, my lord?
Putin: Begin introducing racism and division to the United States. America has never experienced these things before, and it will shock and disorient them. With the US divided against itself, your nation will be far too weak to stand against my plans of total world domination.
Trump: That’s a really tall order! America has always been a harmonious place where everyone gets along up until today. I’ll try my best though. Anything else?
Putin: Yes, make them distrust your nation’s large media outlets and convince them that the US intelligence community is often dishonest.
Trump: That will be really hard because those institutions have always been trusted for their unparalleled integrity. But your wish is my command, oh lord.
Putin: Bomb a Syrian airbase.
Trump: What? Really? Aren’t they, like, your allies?
Putin: Exactly. This will throw inquisitive minds off the scent. We can’t have them finding out about that pee tape.
Trump: Are you sure? Some people are saying that chemical attack looks like it could have been perpetrated by the many terrorist factions in Syria and not the government.
Putin: Who cares? Have you seen how relentless they’ve been in exposing us?? Have you never watched Rachel Maddow? That woman is a psychic bloodhound, masterfully sniffing out the truth at every turn! We can’t afford to take chances. Do as I say.
Trump: Yes sir.
Putin: And see if you can arrest that WikiLeaks guy.
Trump: Hey do you want me to do anything about Montenegro’s addition to NATO?
Putin: No. NATO expansion is good.
Trump: Uhhh okay.
Trump: Who do you want tapped for Ukraine envoy?
Putin: Kurt Volker.
Trump: Volker? He hates you! He’s like the biggest Russia hawk ever.
Putin: We still need to throw the Russiagaters off the scent. We’re playing 3-D chess here. This is high-level disinformation, or dezinformatsiya as very smart people call it. I want as many Russia hawks in your administration as possible.
Trump: 3-D chess? Alright. I guess you know what you’re doing.
Putin: Shut down the Russian consulate in San Francisco and throw out a bunch of diplomats. That will confuse the hell out of them.
Putin: Now approve the sale of arms to Ukraine. Not even Obama would do that. This will throw them off the trail for sure.
Putin: Happy new year. Force RT and Sputnik to register as foreign agents.
Putin: Make sure your Nuclear Posture Review greatly escalates its aggressive posture toward Russia.
Putin: Happy Valentine’s Day. Don’t worry about those Russians your guys killed in Syria.
Putin: Send a fleet of war ships to the Black Sea.
Putin: Better expel a few dozen diplomats over the Skripal thing.
Putin: Sanction a bunch of Russian oligarchs.
Putin: Bomb Syria.
Trump: What?? Again?
Trump: What the hell, man? Why’d you even recruit me if you’re just going to have me do everything all the Russia hawks want?
Putin: Well, you know how I told you we were playing 3-D chess against the Russiagate investigation?
Putin: Well that wasn’t enough. Now we’re playing 4-D chess.
Trump: Fine, whatever, I don’t care. Just don’t release my pee tape.
Trump: Oh man. They’re really making a major fuss about that summit. What should I do?
Putin: Play it cool. Don’t let them know about our secret diabolical plot.
Trump: Right. Remind me what that was again?
Putin: Make Jim Acosta feel really, really sad.
Putin: Have you arrested Julian Assange yet?
Trump: Working on it.
Putin: I like John Bolton’s idea. Pull out of the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty.
Putin: Make sure your administration loudly and aggressively backs Ukraine in our Kerch Strait spat.
Trump: OMFG this is getting too weird. Are you just trolling me? What the hell is this?
Trump: Are you there?
Trump: Answer me!
Putin: 5-D chess.
Thanks for reading! The best way to get around the internet censors and make sure you see the stuff I publish is to subscribe to the mailing list for my website, which will get you an email notification for everything I publish. My articles are entirely reader-supported, so if you enjoyed this piece please consider sharing it around, liking me on Facebook, following my antics on Twitter, throwing some money into my hat on Patreon or Paypal, buying my new book Rogue Nation: Psychonautical Adventures With Caitlin Johnstone, or my previous book Woke: A Field Guide for Utopia Preppers.
Stephen Sadd / November 30, 2018
APRA HAS SNUCK IN “BAIL-IN LAW” for Australian’s deposits!
“Demand they amend the APRA bail-in law snuck through Parliament in February, to make it explicit in the legislation that deposits can’t be “bailed in” (seized to prop up banks) in a crisis”. Click here for the details you need to know: http://cecaust.com.au/releases/2018_11_28_Bank_Culture.html
Stephen Sadd / November 29, 2018
“The United Nations Universal Children’s Day – 20 November – has come and gone – and nothing has changed”
Riverrat / November 28, 2018
Caitlin has a knack for smacking around the left and the right simultaneously…hahaha
Oakey Pruett / November 27, 2018
Now my Facebook page is going to be a mile-long procession of Russiagater friends who haven’t spoken to me since I stumped for Jill Stein back in ’16 telling me “We told you so!”
I’m going to be a laughingstock. I don’t think I can take it!
Jim Boydston / November 27, 2018
Whew! When I read this on my email, I had the impression it was serious. Now that I see the image at the top, I get that it’s satire! Once again, my dear caitlin, you’re brilliant!
Of course, part of my concern about it goes all the way back to March 21st, 2017, when Rachel Sellout Madcow made me out to be an Albanian bot, working for Trump and Putin. In this video, start watching at 10:40. At 11:10, a simple anticorruption post of mine was used as a backdrop, while she ranted about Russiagate bullshit.
JM / November 28, 2018
John Mattes was never an admin of any of these Facebook pages. Additionally, all of the REAL admins from the FB groups that she singled out here have refuted this story. John Mattes couldn’t even use a simple Excel spreadsheet, nevermind trace IP addresses. What they don’t mention in Maddow’s piece is that John Mattes was working with David Brock. He was the one who seeded the story about “Russian bots on Facebook,” and he was lying about the proliferation of “Russian bots” and about the fact that he was a FB admin.
All of these anti-Russia stories are based on lies, and our neocon/neoliberal warmongering overlords are using these lies to get people to accept yet another unjustifiable war, this time with a nuclear superpower.
Jim Boydston / November 28, 2018
Absolutely! I knew John ‘Mole’ Mattes personally, and tried to confront him, both on line, and in person – with others who were actual admins on the Facebook groups he was making allegations about – and he literally “cut & ran” from us.
BTW, “JM,” are you Joanne? 😀
Tom Welsh / November 27, 2018
Caitlin is taking a very big risk here. I confidently expect to see Robert Mueller peddling this document to all the US media within the week.
Sense of humour? They’ve heard of it.
Blessthebeasts / November 27, 2018
I would love to see all the talking heads earnestly discussing the pre tape.
Blessthebeasts / November 27, 2018
I meant pee of course!
JM / November 27, 2018
Robert, thank you very much for posting this information. This is precisely the type of info that needs to be made public.
Robert Arend / November 27, 2018
I hope Caitlin may be able to dig into this. Even if there really wasn’t a bomb for the bridge on that tugboat (and why was a tugboat being escorted by two gunboats?), that Washington Times Oped would certainly have caught Putin’s attention and made him wary….
Larry C. / November 27, 2018
I *knew* it!
I wanted to vote for Hillary, but I had to vote for Trump.
The names of the other candidates, were all written in Cyrillic!
Robert Arend / November 27, 2018
I found the following in my FB newsfeed today. Haven’t a clue if it is true, but if it is….
“Hey MSM imbibers — a little Easter egg for you to help you wake from slumber…. the world JUST MIGHT NOT be quite what MSM would have you comply with
From Moon of Alabama comments section..
Comment at the Hal Turner site from inteldrop333 at 17:59 11/25/2018
Very important Info appeared briefly on Russian media (before being scrubbed) that a NATO SADM, possibly a Diver deployable device, was being transported to the Kerch Straight to be used on the Crimean bridge. The device was being tracked by the Russians and they knew it had been loaded on to a Ukrainian Tug (escorted by 5 warships!! – 3 in the Black Sea, including one NATO vessel, and 2 waiting in the Sea of Azov).
This is why the Russians acted!
They never react with force and have never blockaded the Sea of Azov. Ground attack jets and Helicopter gunships, plus a warship armed with ASM and Torpedos were waiting.
This level of force would not be used just for a tug and a few old Ukrainian ships. But a tug carrying a tactical nuclear device about to bring down one of the worlds most strategic bridges, a bridge hated by NATO – as per the recent Op Ed in the ‘Washington Examiner’ (Ukraine should bomb the Crimean Bridge).
Ukraine regularly provokes Russia to little effect, but today the Russians acted to stop a terrible event.
Ukraine is now in panic mode and there may be direct NATO intervention if the to cover this, if the Russians make this public.
The device may have come from the UK.
The UK have been psychologically preparing thier people for a war with Russia.
The SADM low-yield nuclear explosion would have brought down the bridge and melted the foundations, but looked like a conventional IED blast from above due to the underwater detonation and relatively low yeield of less than 1KT.
This was a WW3 level provocation STOPPED by the Russian FSB and SF’s!
All traces of these reports are being scrubbed as I write!
Get this out before the story is completly scrubbed.”
Posted by: anti_republocrat | Nov 25, 2018 8:
Sean Harvey / November 27, 2018
I would sleep better if I believed that this was too idiotic to be true. Tragically, nothing is too idiotic when you’re dealing with idiots.
Robert Arend / November 27, 2018
Here’s the link to Tom Rogan’s May 15, 2018 OPED in the Washington Examiner: https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/ukraine-should-blow-up-putins-crimea-bridge
Greg Feleton / November 27, 2018
Nicely done. Isn’t satire wonderful!
Tristan Sykes / November 27, 2018
Nearly weed myself.