An unredacted copy of the Robert Mueller report has been leaked to the Washington Post, who published the full document on its website Monday.

The report contains many shocking revelations which prove that Attorney General William Barr deceived the world in his summary of its contents, as astute Trump-Russia collusion theorists have been claiming since it emerged.

For example, while Barr’s excerpted quote from the report may read like a seemingly unequivocal assertion, “[T]he investigation did not establish that members of the Trump Campaign conspired or coordinated with the Russian government in its election interference activities,” it turns out that the full sentence reads very differently: “It is totally not the case that the investigation did not establish that members of the Trump Campaign conspired or coordinated with the Russian government in its election interference activities.” The following sentence is even more damning: “It definitely did establish that that happened.”

The report goes on to list the evidence for numerous acts of direct conspiracy between Trump allies and the Russian government, including a detailed description of the footage from an obtained copy of the notorious “kompromat” video, in which Trump is seen paying Russian prostitutes to urinate on a bed once slept in by Barack and Michelle Obama, as well as other documents fully verifying the entire Christopher Steele dossier which was published by BuzzFeed in January 2017.

Other evidence listed in the report includes communication transcripts in which Russian President Vladimir Putin is seen ordering President Trump to bomb Syria, stage a coup in Venezuela, arm Ukraine, escalate against Russia in America’s Nuclear Posture Review, withdraw from the INF treaty and the Iran deal, undermine Russia’s fossil fuel interests in Germany, expand NATO, and maintain a large military presence near Russia’s border. These things were done, according to Putin, in order to “keep things interesting.”

Mueller told reporters Monday morning that there would indeed be mass indictments of large numbers of Trump associates revealed in the near future, including Jared Kushner and Donald Trump, Jr, just as the diligent journalism of MSNBC and other respected news media outlets have been assuring. Mueller said the delay in the arrests, and the mountain of evidence which will surely lead to Trump’s impeachment, was due to the need to “cross a few ‘t’s and dot a few ‘i’s.”

When asked why he didn’t reveal to the public that Barr was misrepresenting the contents of his report, Mueller responded with a mischievous grin, “I didn’t want to spoil the surprise.” He then put on a pair of sunglasses and rode off on a motorcycle due east into the rising sun, while the smooth notes of a single saxophone resounded through the D.C. cityscape.

So the walls are closing in on Trump. Needless to say, this completely vindicates the many alert reporters who rightly pointed out that Barr’s assertions about the Mueller report could be gravely dishonest, and that there was no way to know whether or not it had determined collusion between Trump and the Russian government. In a greater sense, it vindicates everyone who has spent the last three years focusing all public attention on the suspicion that the Kremlin could possibly have infiltrated the highest levels of the US government. In an even greater sense, it vindicates America, and it vindicates our very souls.

I feel a bit sheepish writing all this, because I’ve been a very vocal critic of the Russian collusion narrative from the very beginning. It turns out that by voicing skepticism and demanding evidence for a news story that dominated political discourse to the near exclusion of all else, I was actually assisting the Russian government in its war against democracy, truth, and justice.

Obviously I owe the world a very big apology. I’m sorry for calling the Russiagaters idiots, morons, drooling imbeciles, stupid, gullible sheep, foam-brained human livestock, tinfoil pussyhat-wearing delusional conspiracy theorists, demented cold war-enabling McCarthyite bootlickers, oafish slug-headed slime creatures, energy-sucking, CIA-coddling wastes of space and oxygen, and an embarrassment to the human species. Clearly, because of their indisputable vindication this April the first 2019, they are definitely none of these things.


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63 responses to “Leaked Mueller Report Proves Barr Lied; Collusion Theorists Vindicated”

  1. Proverbs 26:5-6
    4 Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.

    5 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.

  2. No, but they are still idiots.

    April Fool’s.

  3. Charles Robinson Avatar
    Charles Robinson

    (Sung to, “How to you solve a problem like Maria”)
    How do you solve a problem a like a Rachel? How to call her buff of history? How do you solve a problem like a Rachel? A hater of Russians, a Zionist, a clown! How do you solve a problem like a Rachel!!!!! How would a Zionist act any other way!
    Here is why Rachel – and the US media – hate Russia so much. Because Putin doesn’t work for the Zionist oligarchs. These same Zionist oiligarchs – that Clinton and the drunken Yelsin – allowed to shamelessly plunder the wealth of Russia while the masses suffered. Remember the genocide of the Russian people that took place under the Bolsheviks. The Bolshevik Zionists hated Christians and Russians. Rachel and the News and Entertainment media in the US, hate Russia because Bolshevik Russia no longer exists. Russia is no longer controlled – or robbed or murdered – by the Zionists anymore. Well Russian’s sadly are still being murdered by Zionist aligned Nazis in the Ukraine with the aid of the EVIL, US, ZIONIST, LAPDOG, STATE DEPARTMENT!.

  4. It was much too late for a timely reading, but a little tasty satire, it turns out, is the perfect calming end to a very long day. Thanks!
    As Usual,

  5. uncle tungsten Avatar
    uncle tungsten

    Loved it!! Got to second par and thought ‘shit all those progressive journey are going get sued, then immediately saw it.

    The scene of Mueller putting on sunnies and straddling a hog was superb.

    Stay well sister and more power to your arm.

  6. Good one, Cait. Got into the third paragraph before I remembered what day it is.

    Interesting, despite having never bought into the Russiagate narrative from the start, my reaction to being wrong (or so I believed) was a thought of “wow, really??” and eagerness to read on and learn the truth.

    Contrast that with the unhinged fits of denial and digging-in we saw from the Russiagaters last week. I’m no psychologist, but I think it shows a thing or two about the difference in mindset between those who’ve bought into the narrative and those of us who haven’t, and the methods by which we’ve reached our conclusions.

  7. Totally SICK, SICK minds in the U.S. of A.

  8. This was a bit mean imo, Caitlin, because it rubs it in. If some people can’t laugh after finding out they’ve been had, then your prank is not a joke for them, and therefore unkind. People won’t want to listen to you if they think you want to stick it to them.

    To get people to stop and think, maybe it’s best to continue to direct sarcasm only at the elite, the politicians, the establishment, etc, instead of sections or groups of people. Just my 2 cents 🙂

    I’ll continue to follow you though. You’re one of the few who tells it like it is. That takes strength and a deeper than average insight

  9. Good one Caitlin I was a good four or five paragraphs into it before I realized what day it was. And to think I was just telling my son what a quite day it was.

  10. A very good one.

  11. Warms my heart to see you demonstrating true style by admitting when you are wrong. Living in the high desert with temperamental internet has made me a link minded follower of yours and am often behind the curve on breaking news stories. So yes, I did follow those links. It was devastating, mind-bending and Fillini-esque. But truth is truth. Many (many) years ago around the age of 7 our grade school took us to a children’s zoo where a camel was roped to a stake in the grass free dirt. Two school mates pointed and laughed at the bizarre sight of the camel. The camel stared stoically from a distance of 20 feet and with alarming accuracy and speed spat directly into the face of one child who ran away waving his hands and wailing in tears. I still feel good about that. Victory laps are a wonderful thing.

  12. Biggest scam of them all. (Hope this works.)

    Using a Full URL File Path

    1. Fail! Sorry

  13. NoBigDealToday Avatar

    Excellent Aprils 1st post! However – Where’s is everyone’s STREET SMART’S ?? Mueller, Trump, Putin and Barr are all laughing their butts off, they are working with each other. It’s a shell game – watch this hand while you miss what we do with the other hand. The report/investigation ruse take’s one’s attention away from the performance of where the coin is located, where the Trillions are, who’s divvying up the countries and continents and their trillions of dollars of resources. The investigation gave them ample time to operate their game while your attention is elsewhere. Come on, take off the prince’s attire and walk through the streets as a hustler, it won’t take long to see what’s happening.

  14. Thanks, I needed this.

  15. From the super-funding site MSA: Mofos Strike Again
    The Mothers of All Aggressions

  16. Heya!
    This is a chortle here, but the real smirking is in the base of the elites, in congress, that superfun site that contains all the waste produced by the micc: so they can stand the fulsome report, but don’t let the proles get to see the cables of collusion.

  17. Not enough AFD pranks. Thanks for this one … I had forgotten what day it was until I was well into the article. First felt a fool and then opened a beer and had a good chuckle.

  18. I’ve learned to be hyperaware of AFD, and a grand-niece had just posted a thing on FB basically saying, have fun but don’t be mean. So I really wasn’t taken in, but it’s still good.

  19. Doh! I got all the way to the last sentence before realizing that today is April Fool’s Day. Not that I didn’t realize from the first sentence that Caitlin was exercising her sarcasm muscles.

  20. Thank you for your honesty Caitlin. It takes a lot of courage to admit you’re wrong. Obviously we’ve under estimated Russia’s world wide threat. We need more brave men and women in uniform, along with Almighty Hillary’s help and blessing, to go toe to toe with the Ruskies once again. Only by purifying the Earth with the fires of nuclear hell can we bring back the strength and integrity of our vital fluids. War is peace. Ignorance is bliss. God is on our side. Death to everyone else. Praise Jesus and let the holy bombs fall.

  21. C’mon, everybody! You had to know it was a joke before you even started reading! Either you harbored a suspicion that Trump really was a Russian agent or you didn’t, and if you really didn’t Caitlin couldn’t get you going for one second. That last paragraph was a corker.

  22. Oh, I thought he payed them to pee on his head. Thanks for the clarification–does this mean we with be graced with the meaningless accolades of Barack Obama, once again!

  23. I got into the second paragraph before I twigged ha ha – April Fool me

  24. Jonathan Close Avatar
    Jonathan Close

    That last paragraph… dying!

  25. Was this your idea to give me a heart attack, Aunt Caitie, or was it your Old Man’s idea?

  26. Every year I wake on April 1 hoping I will learn is was all a joke. Thanks, Caitlin, I believe you have cured me….or maybe that’s just what you want me to think…..

  27. So… you took my Molly Ivins comments seriously?

  28. It gripped me with dread until way past the half way mark .
    There must be one or two personal lessons to be learned from that .
    Nice one .

  29. Real Stakeholder Avatar
    Real Stakeholder

    OMG, I was all the way through the fourth paragraph before I realized I was being fooled! In all fairness, It’s 7AM and I haven’t consumed any coffee. Boy, you got me good, Caitlin! I can hardly wait to share this with all my less-savvy (clueless?) Democratic friends and cohorts. I only wish I could be in the room to capture their reactions. Lol

  30. HAHAHAHAHA….as usual, Caitlin is right on target…. oh, the sweet taste of vindication!

    1. Pure Schadenfreude!

  31. So, I know it’s unlikely,… But what if this actually happens?

  32. Definitely written on April 1st. Hope you can stop looking like a squirrel, and you jaw does not hurt from having your tongue so firmly in your cheek.

  33. Just so you know, the Russian people share in your tragic sadness.

    To think these madmen of ours even ramped up war fever over this lunacy.

  34. I know how you must feel, Caitlin. This is truly humbling and I know you’ve been through so much. But as a consolation, remember that confession is good for the soul. No one wants to go meet her maker with a lie on her lips.

  35. Ken Obermeyer Avatar
    Ken Obermeyer

    Outrageously hilarious and perfect for any occasion!
    Keep on Caitlin!

  36. Caitlin: you may think that April 1 is a day for humor regardless of the jest. I do not. I have enjoyed your commentary. Your last commentary for me. tom

    1. Hey, good one, Tom! LOL!

    2. In fairness , Thomas Golden , you look like someone with mental health problems .
      And far too hairy .

  37. Thank you for this Caitlin. It made my morning.

  38. Miss Margaret Avatar
    Miss Margaret

    I refuse to believe the facts, Caitlin. I don’t care if Barr was caught lying, I won’t read ‘the truth’ in the leaked Mueller Report, even if it was in the Washington Post! I won’t even watch the pee tape, no matter how many times CNN and MSNBC loop it behind the think-tank experts & statesmen & women from Congress who’ll now be explaining the next steps necessary for impeachment and execution.
    From day one, I decided to believe the conspiracy theory, that something sinister, like what happened to JFK, or King, or with 911, was afoot, & that some cabal of super secret “evil-doers” (supra-national rich globalists, some foreign countries-Ukraine?, maybe some spies, a number of rats in Congress, even, who knows, Hillary & Obama?, & of course MI5+6, the CIA, FBI and their press lackeys) weren’t the democracy loving patriots we’re told they are (I know, I’m still torn on that one), and our Western ‘institutions and norms’ are a just cover to keep us in line by a lawless group of “powerful oligarchs & the plutocratic elites” (those much smarter and better than the rest of us) running a false flag, plot, a coup. So, I don’t care about your “evidence”, I’m sure there’s “something, somewhere, that someone” will uncover to exonerate Trump after all! We must keep looking!

  39. “oh what fun” thanks Caitlin

  40. Cliff Sommers Avatar
    Cliff Sommers

    Do not feed fools for they will take this as fact and renew their foolish ways.

  41. Robert Bushman Avatar
    Robert Bushman

    You RASCAL!

    (And I love you still.)

  42. Argh, it was after noon when I read this, so I can’t repost.

  43. OK, so you had me going for the first two paragrphs. But number tree was a paragraph too far!! What’s more troubling is that the Russiagate hoaxsters themselves still haven’t, and probably never will, admit that their whole preposterous Trump/Putin collusion, and then fallback, “Russia tried to undermine Americans” [clueless blind] faith in their [long since totally corrupted and sold off] democratic institutions” was also nothing more than a fairly weak, if decidedly pernicious, sophomoric gag. How could anyone not have caught on from the very start, and at the latest by the time they held those Congressional hearings which could do no better than turn up fewer than $100,000 facebook ads, — half of which went up after the election and the other half, had anyone bothered to look at them but me, han NOTHING at all to do with the election — and $4,700 worth of Twitter ads as well!! I was rolling on the floor in laughter watching such slapstick proceedings! But the ever gullible and insouciant American MSM, Congress, and public lapped it all up and asked for more! What a pathetic commentary it all is on this sorry dying land! P.T. Barnum had our number exactly more than a hundred years ago when he quipped; “No one ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the American public.” And never lost the most crackpot attempt to fabricate foreign policy paranoia out of wholecholth either it certainly seems!!

  44. Loved your subtle punch line, as I was reading it I had hoped it was just a joke, then I remembered April 1st

  45. In before the drooling hypnotised masses explode. Nothing happens until someone sells something. Mueller is just like Trump. Plenty off selling but nothing good has happened

    1. Like a poker players that are holding nothing but they keep on bluffing, they are both a waste of time and nothing good comes of what they do

  46. Travelling on a near empty bus this morning my wife leaned over from the seat behind me and lightly punched me on my shoulder. I turned and looked back. She held up a finger (not in any rude way) and mouthed: April 1. It was too late to respond in kind! And kind to her not to, of course. This is so delicious – your “apology” – in good time for North America and morning – April 1st – though here in Australia almost – as I write – about to become April 2nd!

  47. Peter Summerside Avatar
    Peter Summerside

    It’s okay to be an embarrassment to the human species!

    Brilliant, Caitlin !!

  48. Not funny. I fucking hate this day.

    1. Finally some news from your pen that isn’t fake!

      The mea culpa may be late in coming, but I admire your sincerity in delivering an apology.


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